Lone 'Coon Productions

SCENE 1

INT. – STAGE – DAY

MAGIC MAN

Welcome, one and all, to Magic Man’s

Corner. Tonight, we have the tale of

mystery and terror by the crown prince of

written horror, Edgar Allen Poe. We’d

have him narrate if he wasn’t already

dead. Instead, I shall narrate

the shocking tale known as The Raven.

SCENE 2

INT. – DEN – NIGHT

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I

pondered, weak and weary over many a

quaint and curious volume of forgotten

lore-

Astro Man is floating in the armchair

seat next to a fireplace, reading an

issue of Shonen Jump magazine.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly,

there came a tapping,…

A tapping sounds, and Astro Man turns in

his seat.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

As of someone gently rapping, rapping at

my chamber door.

ASTRO MAN

‘T is some visitor…

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

I muttered…

ASTRO MAN

…tapping at my chamber door—only this and

nothing more.

Rap music starts playing from the other

side of the door. Astro Man opens it to

reveal Clown Man on the front step

carrying a boom box.

CLOWN MAN

Yo, Astro, you in the mood to listen to

rap music?

Astro Man slams the door in Clown Man’s

face.

SCENE 3

INT. – STAGE – DAY

MAGIC MAN

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the

bleak December, and each separate dying

ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.

Magic Man moves off to the side.

MAGIC MAN

Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had

sought to borrow from my books surcease

of sorrow-

Enter Roll.

MAGIC MAN

Sorrow for the lost Lenore- for the rare

and radiant maiden whom the angels name

Lenore- nameless here forevermore.

ROLL

Remind me why I’m here again.

MAGIC MAN

You’re the only female robot we know.

ROLL

Oh, OK. Carry on.

SCENE 4

INT. – DEN – NIGHT

Astro Man is seen in his chair, grumbling

as he reads. “Clown Man” and “idiot” is

heard in his speech.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling

of each purple curtain thrilled me-

filled me with terrors never felt before.

ASTRO MAN

Whoa, this is one scary book.

The tapping starts up again.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

So that now, to still the beating of my

heart, I stood repeating…

ASTRO MAN (quickly but audibly)

‘T is some visitor entreating entrance at

my chamber door- some late visitor

entreating entrance at my chamber door-

that it is and nothing more. (to himself

at regular speed) And if the visitor is

Clown Man, soon he will be quite sore!

Astro Man gets up and moves to the door.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Presently my soul grew stronger;

hesitating then no longer…

ASTRO MAN

Sir…

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Said I…

ASTRO MAN

…or Madame, truly your forgiveness I

implore; but the fact is I was napping,

and so gently you came rapping (though if

it’s Clown Man, it wasn’t gentle at all),

and so faintly you came tapping, tapping

at my chamber door, that I scarce was

sure I heard you.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Here I opened wide the door-

Astro Man opens the door and there is a

Mettool on the front porch.

ASTRO MAN

What are you doing here?

METTOOL

I was lonely and wanted to play.

ASTRO MAN

I’m rather busy at the moment. Perhaps

later, oh say eleven-ish?

METTOOL

Works for me! (exits)

Astro Man closes door.

ASTRO MAN

Perhaps we should try that again. (clears

throat) That I scarce was sure I heard

you.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Here I opened wide the door-

Astro Man opens the door, and this time

there is nothing there.

ASTRO MAN (to himself)

Better.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Darkness there and nothing more.

ASTRO MAN (after looking around the

scene)

I knew I shouldn’t have wasted the

batteries for the emergency flashlight.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Deep into the darkness peering, long I

stood there wondering fearing,…

ASTRO MAN

That Clown Man’s gonna show up again.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever

dared to dream before; But the silence

was unbroken, and the stillness gave no

token, And the only word there spoken was

the whispered word…

ASTRO MAN (whispering out the door)

Lenore?

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

This I whispered, and an echo murmured

back the word…

CLOWN MAN (shouting out the door, out of

view)

Lenore!

Astro Man flies out the door, out of

sight. There are sounds of battle and one

or two explosions. Eventually, Astro Man

comes back in and slams the door behind

him.

ASTRO MAN

Well, Clown Man won’t be bothering us

anymore.

SCENE 5

INT. – STAGE – DAY

MAGIC MAN

Merely this and nothing more.

ROLL

Merely doesn’t seem to describe it.

MAGIC MAN

Oh you shush.

ROLL

Nevermore!

MAGIC MAN

Not yet! The title character hasn’t

appeared!

ROLL

Oh all right…

SCENE 6

INT. – DEN – NIGHT

Astro Man is reading again.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Back into the chamber turning, all my

soul within me burning, soon again I

heard a tapping somewhat louder then

before.

Tapping is heard again.

ASTRO MAN

Surely…

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Said I…

ASTRO MAN

Surely that is something at my window

lattice; let me see, then, what thereat

is, and this mystery explore- (gets up

and moves to window) let my heart be

still a moment and this mystery explore;

‘T is the wind and nothing more!

Astro Man opens the window.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with

many a flirt and flutter…

Enter Raven from window.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

In there stepped a stately Raven of the

saintly days of yore; Not the least

obeisance made he; not a minute stopped

or stayed he…

Raven moves across the floor at random

like a chicken.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

But, with mien of lord or lady, perched

above my chamber door…

Raven flies up on top of figure of head

above the door of the room.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above

my chamber door- perched, and sat, and

nothing more.

ASTRO MAN (to himself)

Yeesh, I thought Wily’s heart was black…

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad

fancying into smiling, by the grave and

stern decorum of the countenance it wore.

ASTRO MAN

Though they crest be short and shaven,

thou…

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

I said…

ASTRO MAN

Art sure no craven, ghastly grim and

ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly

shore- tell me what they lordly name is

on the Night’s Plutonian shore!

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Quoth the Raven…

RAVEN

Nevermore.

ASTRO MAN

Um… sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.

RAVEN

I said, “Nevermore.”

ASTRO MAN

Oh.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Much I marveled this ungainly fowl to

hear discourse so plainly, though its

answer little meaning – little relevancy

bore; for we cannot help agreeing that no

living human being ever yet was blessed

with seeing bird above his chamber door-

bird or beast upon the sculptured bust

above his chamber door, with such name as

“Nevermore.”

ASTRO MAN

Well, it certainly is unique, I’ll give

you that.

RAVEN

Thanks. I mean, nevermore.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

But the Raven sitting lonely on the

placid bust, spoke only that one word, as

if his soul in that one word he did

outpour.

ASTRO MAN

But he already said other things.

RAVEN

No I didn’t.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Nothing further then he uttered, not a

feather then he fluttered- till I

scarcely more then muttered…

ASTRO MAN

Other friends had flown before; on the

morrow he will leave me, as my Hopes have

flown before.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Then the bird said…

RAVEN

Neverbore.

ASTRO MAN

No, “nevermore.”

RAVEN

That’s what I said.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Startled at the stillness broken by reply

so aptly spoken…

ASTRO MAN

Doubtless…

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Said I…

ASTRO MAN

What it utters is it only stock and

store, caught from some unhappy master

whom unmerciful disaster followed fast

and followed faster till his songs one

burden bore- till the dirges of his Hope

the melancholy burden bore of ‘Never-

nevermore.’

RAVEN

Actually, it’s only in the screenplay.

ASTRO MAN

Shush it, it’s not your cue.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

But the Raven still beguiling all my

fancy into smiling…

ASTRO MAN

If this nonsense keeps up, people will be

smiling all right.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in

front of bird and bust and door…

Astro Man pulls a Star Wars cushion out,

places it on the floor in front of the

door, and gets his book from the chair.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Then upon the velvet sinking…

Astro Man sits on cushion and continues

reading.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

…I betook myself to linking fancy unto

fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of

yore-

RAVEN

I look ominous? Cool!

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt,

and ominous bird of yore meant in

croaking “Nevermore.”

RAVEN

OK, that almost hurt.

SCENE 7

INT. – STAGE – DAY

ROLL

How could you say all that? You hurt that

poor bird’s feelings!

MAGIC MAN

Look, kid, I don’t write the stuff, I

just read it. So pipe down and listen.

SCENE 8

INT. – DEN – NIGHT

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no

syllable expressing to the fowl, whose

fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s

core.

RAVEN

What’s a bosom?

ASTRO MAN

How should I know? I’m just a robot.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

This and more I sat divining, with my

head at ease reclining…

Astro Man falls on his back.

ASTRO MAN

Oof!

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

On the cushion’s velvet lining that the

lamplight gloated o’er.

Astro Man gets up.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

But whose velvet violet lining with

lamplight gloating o’er, she shall press,

ah, nevermore!

SCENE 9

INT. – STAGE – DAY

ROLL

What does “o’er” mean?

MAGIC MAN

I told you before: I don’t write the

stuff, I just read it.

SCENE 10

INT. – DEN – NIGHT

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Then, methought, the air drew denser,

perfumed from an unseen censer…

ASTRO MAN

(sniffs) All right, what prankster threw

a perfume bottle in the fireplace?

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Swung by seraphim whose footfalls tinkled

on the tufted floor.

Silence.

RAVEN

Astro, that’s your cue.

ASTRO MAN

Thanks. Wretch…

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

I cried…

ASTRO MAN

Thy God has lent thee – by these angels

he hath sent thee respite- respite the

nepenthe- from thy memories of Lenore!

Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and

forget this lost Lenore!

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Quoth the Raven…

RAVEN

Boy, I’m bored.

ASTRO MAN

Foolish bird, it’s “nevermore.”

RAVEN

You mean those words don’t exist anymore?

ASTRO MAN

No no, it’s not “anymore,” it’s

“nevermore!”

RAVEN

But that’s a double negative! Improper

grammar!

ASTRO MAN

GRRRRRR! PROPHET!

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Said I…

ASTRO MAN

Thing of evil! Prophet still, if bird of

devil! Whether Tempter sent, or whatever

tempest tossed thee ashore, desolate yet

all undaunted, on the desert land

enchanted- on this home by Horror haunted

– tell me truly, I implore; is there- is

there balm in Gilead? – tell me – tell

me, I implore!

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Quoth the Raven…

RAVEN

You’re a sore.

ASTRO MAN

You and I are talking about getting your

lines memorized before the show.

RAVEN

They are memorized. I just keep

forgetting them.

ASTRO MAN

How could you forget? It’s only one word!

RAVEN

Let’s just see if we can finish this

stupid show before one of us explodes.

ASTRO MAN

Smart idea. Prophet!

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Said I…

ASTRO MAN

Thing of evil! Prophet still, if bird of

devil! By that Heaven that bends above us

– by that God we both adore, tell his

soul with sorrow laden if, within the

distant Aidenn, it shall clasp a sainted

maiden whom the angels name Lenore- clasp

a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels

name Lenore.

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Quoth the Raven…

RAVEN

Who’s Lenore?

ASTRO MAN

No no no! “Nevermore!”

RAVEN

Sounds like you just answered your own

question.

ASTRO MAN

GAAAAA! Be that word our sign of parting,

bird or fiend!

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

I shrieked, upstarting…

ASTRO MAN

Get the back into the tempest and the

Night’s Plutonian shore! Live not black

plume as a token of that lie thy soul

hath spoken! Live my loneliness unbroken!

quit the bust above my door! Take thy

beak from out my heart, and take thy form

from off my door!

MAGIC MAN (narrating)

Quoth the Raven…

RAVEN

Um… uh… don’t tell me, I know it… um… EAT

AT POP’S PANCAKES!

ASTRO MAN

I’VE HAD ENOUGH YOU, YOU STUPID BIRD!

ASTRO CRUNCH!!

SCENE 11

INT. – STAGE – DAY

Sounds of fighting and the Raven

squawking are in the background as Magic

Man speaks.

MAGIC MAN

And the Raven, never flitting, still is

sitting, still is sitting on the pallid

bust of Pallas just above my chamber

door; and his eyes have all the seeming

of a demon’s that is dreaming, and the

lamplight o’er him streaming throws his

shadow on the floor; and my soul from out

that shadow that lies floating on the

floor shall be lifted- nevermore!

ROLL

Not a bad poem. Kinda spooky.

MAGIC MAN

Well, Edgar Allen Poe was quite the

horror writer.

Astro Man enters. He holds the Raven in

his right hand by the neck.

ASTRO MAN

Why didn’t you tell me, Magic Man, that

this stupid robotic raven never learned

its lines?

MAGIC MAN

Why should I? The ratings for this show

are ever higher then before. Should we do

it again, so ratings are higher then

before?

ROLL

Quoth the Raven…

ASTRO MAN

NEVERMORE!!

THE END